Inner Conflict
by unimaginee
Summary: Mahiru Is conflicted. She doesn't know wether her feelings are ugly or beautiful. She doesn't know wether to run from her fears or face them.


Mahiru sat in the school library, staring out of the large window in front of her, the book in her hands long forgotten. She watched as the drops of water raced towards the ground, crashing and shattering on the window before her. A blanket of grey hung over the earth, covering the world in a shallow darkness. The soft pattering of the rain echoed against her ear drums. Her breathes were even, a calming feeling taking over her.

The school library was a place were she felt at peace. It wasn't because she particularly enjoyed reading, it was the quite she enjoyed. The feeling of having the whole room to yourself. That feeling of solitude that she revealed in. That was what put her at peace, that was the thing that comforted her like nothing else could. Like no one else could.

Well maybe there was one person.

Thoughts of her started to invade Mahiru's mind, bringing with them all the worries and fears that she had tried to escape. The fear of rejection, the fear of being abandoned and betrayed. The fear of being alone again. They were what she was trying to escape but it seemed like they would follow her everywhere.

There was no escape from these fears, from these feelings. Eventually she would have to face her fears. Eventually she would have to deal with these feelings.

Mahiru drew a deep breath, letting her eyes fall shut. She felt herself drifting off.

When she opened her eyes she was in a large open space. A deep blue light illuminated the area, eventually fading off into shadowy darkness. The air was completely still, no wind in the slightest. It was completely silent, the sound of a pin dropping could echo for miles.

Most people would fine this place eerie, terrifying even, but to Mahiru this was the place she was the most comfortable. A place where only she can be, where no one can interrupt her and her thoughts. A place were she can be herself.

"What's up pipsqueak." The voice sounded concerned, speaking in a gentle tone, full of affection and care.

Mahiru didn't have to turn around. There was only one other person here.

"Nothing." Mahiru spoke in a flat tone. She didn't want to talk about this now, this is what she came here to escape.

Shin'ya sighed "Let's cut to the chase." She didn't want to play this game, she was tired of this game. It had gotten old.

Mahiru just stayed quiet.

With another sigh Shin'ya spoke again.

"It's her isn't it." Mahiru flinched, memories of her flooding from her subconscious.

"It's not." Mahiru's voice had a sharp edge to it, trying to make it obvious she didn't want to talk about it. She wanted to keep running from it. She wasn't ready to face it.

"It is. Su-"

"Don't say it!" Mahiru cut Shin'ya off, her voice full of terror. She had been forcing herself to not think about it. If her name came up Mahiru would brake, the wall she had build to separate herself from her feelings would come crashing down.

A moment of silence flashed by.

"Sumireko."

The name sent waves of warmth through Mahiru. And she hated it. She hated the fact that just her name had such an effect on her. She though she didn't need people anymore, she though that she would be fine without them. She had though she hated people, that she would never want to be around anyone.

But Sumireko was different. Sumireko's presence was warm and comforting. Something that Mahiru secretly craved, something she so desperately wanted. She hated it. And she loved it.

Mahiru liked to believe that Sumireko was different. She wanted, with all her being, for Sumireko to be different. Mahiru wanted to believe that Sumireko actually cared. She wanted to believe that all those times Sumireko had invited her to tea, she actually wanted to spend time with her. She so desperately wanted to believe that.

But she couldn't.

There was always an inkling of doubt. A small voice at the back of her head, telling her that Sumireko didn't actually care. It whispered all her greatest fears in her ear, always reminding her of what she was scared of the most. It told her that this was all just some sick joke. That Sumireko didn't actually care about her and that she never would.

The mere though chilled Mahiru to the bone. She had never felt like this before and it was an amazing feeling, a feeling she didn't want to lose. A feeling she would feel empty without.

"Mahiru, you should just forget about her." Shin'ya's voice cut through Mahiru's thoughts, bringing her back to the conversation.

"Why." Her voice was bitter, soaked in pain. The though of discarding her feeling hurt. She didn't want to forget, she wanted to hold on to this feeling forever. She wanted more than this feeling.

She wanted more than just the feeling of liking someone. She wanted to know she was liked back. She wanted Sumireko to return her feeling. She wanted Sumireko to hold her close, to tell her how much she loved her. She wanted to feel loved, to feel important but not just to anyone. Those feelings on their own didn't mean anything. She wanted those feeling to come from the person she loved.

But she knew all that was just a dream, a child's fantasy.

She knew that she would never have her happy ending, she knew that she wasn't some princess from a fairy tale. The world thought she didn't deserve her happy ending. She knew that the world loved to watch her squirm and suffer, how it laughed at her pain.

"You just should!" Shin'ya's voice came once again, her tone was demanding. Like an order.

That started a fire inside of Mahiru, causing her anger and frustration to surface. She was tired of being told what to do, tired of being told what was right and what was wrong. She wanted to do what she wanted for once, she wanted to not be held back by her own fear.

"I don't want to! Why would I forget about her when she's the only one who doesn't look at me like i'm a freak o-or some kind of animal? Why would I forget when she's the only person who's ever cared? Why! Why?! Why would I wanted to forget about the person I love?!"

It felt good to acknowledge her feeling, instead of hiding from them. It felt good to be honest about her feelings, it felt amazingly good. It felt amazing to not be held back by her fear for one second. To not cower away from her feelings like they were something ugly.

"Because! Because...you're going to get hurt." Shin'ya's voice retreated, taking on a more meek tone. Clearly force wasn't the way to handle this situation.

"Well it can't be any worse that this! It can't be worse than this pain I feel right now." Mahiru's voice trailed off, letting silence replace it.

It couldn't be any worse that the pain of knowing there could be a chance. Of know that Sumireko could like her back but she missed her chance. All because she was too much of a coward, too scared of rejection.

Seconds past and the silence remained until a harsh voice shattered it.

"She doesn't care."

Mahiru visibly flinched.

"She doesn't want you."

"Shut up!" Mahiru coil in on herself, bringing her knees to her chest.

"It's the truth an you know it."

Mahiru's hands quickly covered her ears, shielding herself from the onslaught of words. Those words that she never wanted to hear, the words that made her heart shrivel in her chest.

The words echoed inside her head. They wouldn't let her forget. They wouldn't go away. They taunted her and they laughed at her. Repeating inside her head, over and over and over again.

She felt the sting of tears, a burning sensation in her eyes. They felt like acid as they cascaded down her face. Tears fell, one after the other.

And she hated it.

She hated herself.

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**A/n: **Please leave a review and tell me what you think. This'll probably just be a oneshot but if enough people want another chapter I'll write one.


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